Received Yesterday 15:52, Sam:
The conversation came up on
one of those nights, between
my girlfriend and I. The
moment when you realise you
should have stopped drinking
and gone to bed several hours
ago had just arrived, and one of
the music videos we were
singing to and talking about
had led to the conversation
about our biggest fears.
She spoke about how she was
scared of her mother dying,
scared of her brother dying,
and scared for all of the people
in the world that need help. All
fair fears to have.
The conversation naturally
turned to my fears. Oddly, none
came to mind, but determined
not to look like a stereotypical
male who declares himself
fearless, I racked my brain until
at last it hit me, my big fear.
To give this some context, I am
genuinely not afraid of death, or
the death of my loved ones, We
are all, I believe, at terms with it.
Neither am I scared of time or
its unrelenting passing.That
said, there is a thought that
haunts and terrifies me. The
thought is simple – that one
day, I will wake up and I will be
45 years old and I know I will
regret everything I did and
wonder about everything I
could’ve done, despite living a
good, and full life now. I know
on that day when I wake, it
won’t make sense to me that
today’s today will be the
future’s yesterday. I won’t
understand why I woke up 45
years old, after falling asleep as
a 22 year old. I’m not worried I’ll
go through this alone, or in an
unhappy family, I am just
disturbed by the inevitability of
it, and I try not to make it a self
fulfilling prophecy but as we all
well know, fear, paranoia and
anxiety needs no reason.
Fear. The unknown. Can’t stop interrogation until more is revealed. More to come…
SIGHning out//Identity Detective ENGLAND
